"Gods of Egypt" - Review (UPDATED 2/27/2016)

A Giant Demon Butthole is About to Eat Gerard Butler Standing on a Heaven Tower Oh Nooooooooooooooo

Um.

Wow.

Uh.

How did this go so wrong?

(Warning. A long and rambling angry rant is incoming. Prepare for the hammer to be brought down.)

'The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story' - Review: "100% Not Guilty" (Spoilers)

This week on The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, the Juice is "absolutely 100% not guilty" and trial preparations get a bit heated. My thoughts on the episode are after the jump.

"The Witch" - Review

"I Will Guide Thy Hand"

Imagine if all the senseless killings in the Salem Witch Trials were not actually caused by extreme self righteousness and religious fear but by the actual creatures that the pious leaders were making up! The Witch explores this possibility, like The Crucible written by Stephen King and directed by Terrence Mallick after he watched The Shining. Okay, maybe that specific collaboration and set of circumstances does not exist, but the closest thing to that reality does. It is the first great film of 2016 and one of the best true horror films in recent years. It finds truth in both reality and fantasy and is all the more terrifying because of it.

'Better Call Saul' - Review: "Cobbler" (Spoilers)

Jimmy McGill is back on the case on this week's Better Call Saul. My thoughts on all the shrouded judgement, alligator skin, and the (sigh) squat cobbling are after the jump.

'The Walking Dead' - Review: "The New World" (Spoilers)

Rick and Daryl find Jesus on this week's The Walking Dead! My thoughts on the new chapter of the show are after the jump.

'Billions' - Review: "The Deal" (Spoilers)

The gloves are off and we are having confidential weird naked pool conversations on this week's Billions. My thoughts on the episode are after the jump.

'The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story' - Review: "The Dream Team" (Spoilers)

This week on American Crime Story, 911 calls are released, articles are written, and the Kardashian sisters begin their climb to infamy. My spoiler-y thoughts are after the jump.

"Zoolander 2" - Review

Really, Really, Ridiculously Disappointing

The original Zoolander is an inspired early 21st century comedy. It is completely silly, but biting in its satire of pop culture. It also featured memorable characters and enough signature one liners to make a modern stand up comedian shut up and rethink his routine. I watched it just before I went to see its sequel to see if it held up and it absolutely does. Some of its references may be lost on those who were not apart of the pop culture scene in 2001, but a surprising amount of its humor still hits the mark. It may have a silly plot idea, but it is merely a backdrop to the shenanigans these characters create themselves. There was a goofy sentimentality to Derek Zoolander And Hansel (who is so hot right now). Despite their arrogance and daftness, they were likable and well drawn, not to mention played with inspired fervor by Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson in their prime.

Nearly 15 years later, we now have the long gestating Zoolander 2. Everyone is back and ready to unleash these beloved characters into a selfie and Facebook dominated world. If anyone was ready to have an amazing time, it was me. Sadly, this is a far cry from its rebellious predecessor. Zoolander 2 is a middling affair with only a few minor laughs to offer. It is a huge disappointment, especially to fans of the original.

"How to Be Single" - Review

Or In Other Words: "How to Be a Vapid Mess"

Ready for a jumbled rant ladies and gentlemen?

Oh boy. This was a tough one to get through. Granted, I am not the target audience, but I can recognize a good movie and enjoy it regardless of genre. I love every genre, or to put it more simply, I love movies. I love all movies. Well, all movies that are good. I have sat through so called "chick flicks" and "rom coms" and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I have a soft spot for some sappy sentimental romantic stuff. I cried during The Notebook and I cried harder than my girlfriend at the time. And during the nearly perfect Her. I am not ashamed. That being said, How To Be Single is a giant piece of grating garbage. It sells itself as being a genre trope defying female power movie. It is not that. It falls victim to every cliche in the book, even some from other books that this movie does not even belong in. This would be all well and fine if it was at least entertaining. Entertaining it is not. It is a bloated mess of script full of characters whose sole purpose is to annoy and alternate between sleepwalking through lines and screaming every word.

'Better Call Saul' - Review: "Switch" (Spoilers)

Better Call Saul is back for season 2! This week, Jimmy takes a slippery vacation and Mike warns his client about some much needed restraint. My thoughts after the jump.

'Billions' - Review: "The Good Life" (Spoilers)

On this week's Billions, triggers are pulled and Paul Giamatii gets kinky. My thoughts after the jump.

'The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story' - Review: "The Run of His Life" (Spoilers)

And run he did! My thoughts and recap on this week's American Crime Story after the jump.

"Deadpool" - Review

It's Time To Make The F*****g Chimichangas!

That took long enough.

Oh boy was it worth it.

Deadpool has been in development for the better part of a decade now. No one thought we would ever see the true Deadpool in movie form. For a while we expected a sanitized version of him and that was delivered to the masses in the incredibly mediocre/not good X-Men Origins: Wolverine. 

THEY SEWED HIS MOUTH SHUT. NOT OKAY.

It was a fan's nightmare. Ryan Reynolds was thought to be a great choice for the character given his snarky work in Van Wilder but he was not given his chance to shine. Well, a few years later and a whole bunch of debates and concept leaks gone by and he finally has his chance to shine. Shine he does, with a hew of blood red.

Fox has given us the best apology they could ever make by taking a risk on a hard-R big budget film and it has paid off completely. Apart from rising above box office expectations, Deadpool is a great film. It is not perfect, but that seems to fit the character of Deadpool just fine.

"Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" - Review

A Little Too Much Pride

This concept is ridiculous. I remember when this book was popular how ever many years ago that it began to top the best seller lists and my high school friends were swearing by it. I picked up the book and I skimmed through it. I was familiar with with the original Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen so seeing zombies randomly show up in the original text of the novel was absolutely goofy and hilarious to me. It was such a random but subtle kind of parody that was completely infectious, no pun intended. When I heard years ago that people were attempting to make a movie, I was very excited. I expected it to be an absolutely hysterical farce of a movie. The idea is so silly that I thought it would lend itself to a great parody film. What we got with Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is not that. There are silly moments to be had, but the film actually takes itself rather seriously. It invests itself in the romance and tries for legitimate zombie action. Because of this, the movie loses focus and it becomes a very odd mix of tones. Is this supposed to be funny or not? There is definitely a guilty pleasure element to some of this, but not enough.

"Hail, Caesar!" - Review

Would That It Were Actually Kind of Simple

In the grand repertoire of the ever expanding Coen Brothers canon of films, there are their super silly dark comedies and there are their serious films. Sometimes you have a film that is strangely in the middle of these two like Fargo. Hail, Caesar! finds itself in the former category, but refreshingly so. Not without something to say, it is a lighter and breezier film than many of their other pieces of work. It is also an absolute joy to watch actors and writers at their wittiest and silliest. Hail, Caesar! is the first great movie of 2016 just on sheer entertainment value and it is a film lover's dream.

"Chi-Raq" - Review

WAKE UP

Samuel L. Jackson as the crassest Greek muse you have ever seen in Chi-Raq

"Chi-Raq" is a rather controversial nickname for the city of Chicago. Where does it get this name? It comes from many influential people noting that the number of deaths per year in Chicago surpass the number of deaths of American soldiers in Iraq since 2001. The amount of violence in Chicago is absolutely shocking and absurd and it only becomes fuel for many hate filled politicians and public figures when it is noted that the majority of this violence is completely within the black community in the south side. Black vs. black. When the trailer for Amazon Studio's first film acquisition was dropped in November, it baffled nearly everyone who saw it. It appeared as though the notorious Spike Lee was making a topic that is incredibly serious and tragic into a comic affair; farce rather than indictment. Nitpicking continued when many people criticized Lee for not being "Chicago born", notably growing up in Brooklyn for most of his life. This has led to quite the pummeling from audiences on sites like IMDB and Metacritic, despite many of them not having even seen the film.

Chi-Raq has finally graduated from its limited theatrical release to its permanent home on the streaming Amazon Prime platform, as well as DVD and blu-ray so I finally had the chance to see it and form my own thoughts. After seeing the film in all of its angry and unhinged glory, I now know that the criticisms are completely unfounded and that the film has been unfairly maligned and judged.

'Billions' - Review: "Short Squeeze" (Spoilers)

This week on Billions, Axe and his bros go to Quebec to watch a Metallica concert, an automatic rifle is shot at some deer that only "eat, move, and shit", the worst corporate spy of all time reaches a critical moment, and Chuck hunts for bad intel on Axe but instead has some "quality time" with Chuck Sr. after a crappy business endeavor. Read my recap and thoughts after the jump.

'The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story': "From the Ashes of Tragedy" - Review

To fill in some space before I start my regular film reviews again, I wanted to begin my next series of TV reviews with the much publicized The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story. As I explained in my review of Billions on Tuesday, my first review of any new show will be spoiler-free and will mainly exist to set up the show. Subsequent reviews will be spoiler reviews and I expect that if you read the following reviews then you have seen the episode. Also as I explained before, my true review will be at the end of the season where I review the season as one collective whole. Until then, my episode reviews will be simple and will mainly be my thoughts without diving too deep. So, without further ado, let's talk about Ryan Murphy's new anthology series.

'Billions' Review: "Pilot", "Naming Rights", "YumTime" (First Spoiler-Free Review)

This is my first television review on my blog! This is going to be a regular feature of my page for the downtime between major releases. Every week, I will give my quick thoughts on each episode. They will not be thorough and detailed like my official reviews, but will work more as a documentation of my thoughts on a particular show throughout the season. After the season is over, I will do a more in depth season review. I see seasons of television as one whole split up into small pieces. As such, I do not want to do in depth reviews of small pieces. I will save that for when I finally have the big picture.

My first review is going to be for Billions, the new show on Showtime network starring Damian Lewis and Paul Giamatti. When it is a show that has just premiered, my first review of that show will always be spoiler-free. That way, I can inform you of the program and let you decide if you want to watch it. Afterward, my reviews and recaps will address spoilers from the show are are meant for readers who are watching the show week by week along with me. Make sense? Cool! Let's talk a little bit about Billions.